Monday, December 16, 2013

PATP Theater presents: Shipping to Canada

The following is a real (not real) conversation between representatives of the United States Postal Service and the Royal Canadian Mounted Postal Service (actually known as Canada Post).

Setting:  In the woods near HWY 93 at the Rooseville Port of Entry, 147 miles (237 km) southwest of Calgary, Alberta, Canada (home of Captain Canuck from Waxaholic)  The USPS employee and the RCMPS employee are communicating via tin can and wax string in order to avoid a certain country's Nationlistic Security Type Agency from listening.

USPS:  Disgruntled Eagle to Dudley Dooright, over.

RCMPS: Cut the crap 'ey.

USPS: Fine.  I just thought you'd like to know we figured out a way to cut down work for us and you. We've raised shipping prices so high, no blogger in his right mind would mail a package of cards to the Great White North.

RCMPS:  What good does that do me?  You're getting all the money.  You don't share with us hoser. Plus, everyone knows those bloggers aren't in their right mind anyway.

USPS: Look man, it's all about the work.  You won't have to deliver nearly as many packages.  It's a win-win for everyone.  We charge the same for shipping from the US to Canada as we do to ship from the US to China and guess what?  I checked the map and it's way further to China!

RCMPS:  Well, since you guys started sending us your stuff via catapult, the actual costs to get stuff over the border is way down.  Still, all the profit is going in your pockets, not ours.

Actual video of the USPS using pumpkins loaded with Canada bound mail to bypass border security.  

USPS:  Look, we'll share some of the profits with you, but only if you solve a pointless math equation with every shipment.  3 + 7 x 3 = or something like that.

RCMPS:  Oh, we'll solve your little equation, but we're going to hold the mail so it takes 5 times longer to arrive than it should.

USPS:  Who cares?  Once we launch that pumpkin, it's your problem.

The preceding was not a shot at Canada or my good buddy Captain Canuck, but rather the USPS, which is the Dallas Cowboys of the Federal Government.  I don't know what that means other than they really frustrate me most of the time.  


  1. I see your pumpkin catapult and raise you.... or rather the RCMPS raises you...
    As of March 31, 2014, the cost of a domestic stamp is going up from the current .63 cents, to $1.00. ( .89 cents if you buy a roll of a hundred or more)
    And because of the backlash from the peasants, I mean, customers who pay our salary, we won't announce the raises of international mail because we're scared.

    Oh, and even though it's still 2013, we'll suspend the sale of Forever stamps so that the peasants can't save a few pennies. Even though we don't even use the penny anymore....

  2. Wow a new SCTV skit!
    ((Sigh)) just not the same without John Candy eh?

    For the above scene I was imagining Joe Flaherty as the disgruntled eagle er the USPS employee and Dave Thomas as the Royal Mounted um the Canadian Post Guy eh.

  3. I probably won't ship to the captain again until the next time I'm in baudette. Sorry capn.