Tuesday, May 1, 2012

This just in! A parody.

This post is 100% untrue.  I just couldn't take it any more.  I hope you enjoy it. 

"TOpppS" has announced how it will handle the unprecedented appearance of a rookie in his first ball game.  Even though it's happened thousands of times before, TOpppS is going to act as if no other prospect has ever had his major league debut. 

Every 2012 TOppps Set for the rest of the season will feature Bryce Harper cards.   Every card will feature Bryce Harper's stats on the back.  Pull an Ichiro card, it will have Harper's stats.  As an added bonus and to make each card unique, TOppps will have a "Bryce says" quote about each player on the back.  For example, you pull a Jackie Robinson Gold Parallel from Series 2.  On the back, you'll find a question such as, "Hey Bryce, what do you think of Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier in Major League Baseball?"  Bryce says, "Well, if he broke it, he should have to fix it!"  Brilliant!

If you think having Bryce on every card in every set is great, you'll love this.  TOppps will be issuing an amazing variety of Bryce Harper relic cards.  Game used bats, gloves, jerseys and hair clippers will be just the tip of the iceberg.  TOppps will also feature relic cards using park benches from towns Bryce Harper actually flew over on his way from the minors to his first MLB game!  How exciting!! 

Don't think TOppps is the only one getting in on Bryce Harper mania.  MLB is officially retiring Harper's #34 and putting it up next to Jackie Robinson's 42 in all MLB ballparks.  No grandfathering in this time either as all current players wearing #34 will have to switch numbers immediately. 

The topper on all this Harpermania is the Hall of Fame announcement that the five year waiting period after retirement is being waived for Harper.  He'll be inducted as soon as he plays his 5th game.  A spokesman for the HOF was quick to point out the 5 game waiting period.  "Hey, we had to make him wait 5 games.  After all, we don't want to be accused of premature election." 

Don't get me wrong.  I think big prospects like Harper are good for baseball.  It creates interest among the more casual fans and probably gets the attention of people who haven't watched a ballgame in years.  I'm just sick of the hype.  I hope he has a great career.  I just think we should let him play some before we make him into some sort of legend. 


  1. Premature election!!!! I love it! Hilarious Brian! Forget the 5 game wait, let's get him a plaque in Cooperstown!!!

  2. I really just hope the kid can live up to the hype. As much as I'm tired of it too, if he struggles he's going to be under the weight of the world, and damn he's just a kid.

  3. Remember Tim Beckham, the Next Great Thing of 2008? Just suspended 50 games for second drug violation.

    I'm not saying Harper won't be great. He probably will. But people couldn't shut up about Beckham and we had to listen to all of it for nothing.

  4. Premature election is a real problem, hundreds of young players suffer from premature elections and other major league debut conditions. A lot of players stuggle with the demand to deliver a memorable performance, every time. If they are like most star prospects, going 3-4 and two RBIs is as natural as brushing your teeth, and taking the steps to make sure you're at peak performance should be jsut as routine. Prospects are always stuggling with ED; going that Extra Distance that the fans and media expect can be difficult sometimes when you are just concentrating on a good "at bat". What can be done? Well, star prospects need to focus on maximizing their blood flow to key organs..like the largest muscle below the waist, yep you guessed it, your hamstrings. They help your body lead with your hands and follow thought with the bat, the key fundamental of gettin contact with your wood.

    Great article and a topic that all young prospects should never be too shy to discuss..

  5. No eye black relics? I'm really disappointed.

  6. I hope I pull a hair clipper relic! Instead of his auto, he should just smear some eye black on the cards.

  7. I figured you'd be a Harper fan. His arm has created two plays at the plate already. Granted, the first one was completely duffed by the catcher and the second was a horrible call by the ump.

  8. I think he was brought up too fast, but what do I know. Actually I'm am more tired of hearing all this Albert Pujols is in a homer slump than any Harpermainia. Sure I hear the Harper-Hype, but not nearly as often as the Pujols Barry Bonds Circus part 2.

  9. Topps better hope that he actually starts to produce, otherwise all that extra SP'ing and last minute $$ on production shifts won't pay off very well. We can't have Harper hitting like Pujols, now can we? Great post!